Clash of the Codes 2012

Two-thirds of Clash of the Codes 2012 least likely

contenders                              

For anyone who hasn't yet read last week's post featuring me reminiscing about the television series Clash of the Codes, it might be an idea to keep scrolling down before reading this weeks post, which is essentially the second part of a two-part series.

I have already acknowledged that, for a number of reasons, we are unlikely to ever see the compelling spectacle that was Clash of the Codes return to our screens, but that hasn't stopped me dreaming the dream. Should my wish be granted though, what exactly would it look like 15 years after the second and last series drew to a close.

First things first: As much as my love of Black Box's 'Ride on Time' will endure forever, the theme tune needs updating. I don't want it to stray too far from the original, though, so I'm advocating for for DJ Fresh's 2011 hit 'Louder'. Backing this up - and to be used for in-show montages of competing athletes - will be Muse's 'Uprising', which, I admit, is not terribly original having been played at every one day cricket game (and just about every other sporting event I've attended) in the last five years. However, I defy anyone to watch a sporting contest on mute with 'Uprising' playing on repeat in the background and not have their viewing experience enhanced. My Olympic-watching experience was enhanced by approximately 67% by doing this. It even made dressage seem decidedly bad-ass.

After that, we're gonna need some hosts. Now, I should probably say at this point, that while my hopes for global Clash of the Codes TV domination remain undiminished, I accept that we're gonna have to start small. If we can't replicate the show's success in New Zealand then there's no hope that we can branch out to Australia, Asia, America, Europe and eventually the World. As much as I could one day see the Worldwide Edition of Clash of the Codes being presented by Ryan Seacrest and Jill Wagner, for the time being we're going to have to go local and, sadly, it's pretty slim pickings. The contenders are: Pulp Sports' Bill and Ben; CGW's Mark Richardson and Andrew Mulligan; Tony Veitch and Bernadine Oliver Kerby; and Brent Todd and Wendy Botha (anyone else remember Mountain Dew On the Edge?) but the winners, for me, rekindling their awkward sexual tension from another much-loved New Zealand sports show Sports Cafe, would be an enthusiastic Marc Ellis and Lana Coc-Kroft, at her sarcastic, acerbic, mildy resentful best.

Marc and Lana would oversee a show drawing on all the lessons of the last 15 years of reality TV. 2012 Clash of the Codes would incorporate elements of American Idol, Big Brother, The Biggest Loser, Survivor and The Amazing Race. Every week the show would contain both a minor and a major challenge with the winners of the minor challenge being granted immunity and the losers of the major challenge facing elimination. The major challenge would, as you would expect, be some kind of physical test of the athlete's fitness, strength, coordination (which as well as the expected Army assault courses and races up Rangitoto should also include the modern pentathlon, arm wrestling, tug of war, and my new favourite sport and my vote for the next sport to be admitted to the Olympics, Chessboxing). The minor challenge, though, would be something sports-related, but not necessarily physical, like a A Question of Sport-style trivia quiz, some kind of timed puzzle, a cooking challenge etc. with the basic aim of humiliating the athletes, promoting tantrums, putting pressure on team dynamics, and generally creating comedic gold. Whilst I'd stop short of insisting the teams lived together Big Brother-style for the duration of the show, a taped-confession room would ensure there would be plenty of hilarious insights into the mindsets of the athletes. Finally, there'd be no pussy-footing about with a league table. Each week the bottom two-ranked teams after the major challenge would being subject to elimination to be decided either by a panel of judges (headed by former Clash of the Codes guru Ian Ferguson) or by text-poll or some glorious combination of the two. How could this fail?

The decline of status of rugby as the all-defining sign of masculinity may take something of the edge off all other sports desire to triumph in Clash of the Codes 2012 (although I suspect the so-called minor sports - i.e. anything other than rugby, league, cricket and soccer would still have a lot to prove) the growth of the sporting personality as celebrity would mean the characters involved would be both more familiar and more interesting to the audience.

The philosophy behind the make-up of the teams would, in the spirit of reality TV, be whatever maximised drama, tension, entertainment, or humour.

I love the idea of Kieran Read (in a audition for the All Black captaincy) struggling to contend with the oversized ego of Piri Weepu, and Andrew Hore's idea of a good time (Sonny Bill is excluded on the grounds that he can't decide what sport he plays); and Benji Marshall trying to reign in Isaac Luke and the somewhat goofy Manu Vatuvei. I would enjoy the relative sophistication of Laura Langman, Irene Van Dyk and Maria Tutaia; and laugh at the complete bemusement of Andrew Nicholson, Mark Todd and Jock Paget. Mahe Drysdale could take his pick of any number of excellent medal-winning rowers to make up his team; while Bevan Docherty, Kris Gemmill and Terenzo Bozzone would be early favourites to take the title as triathletes.

The team I would undoubtedly most look forward to seeing, however, would be the cricketers. The choices for me are obvious: Daniel Vettori leading the always entertaining Jesse Ryder and the definition of oddball Chris Martin. Vettori herding Ryder and Martin through a series of challenges would be a sight to behold. The plucky Black Caps may even have a chance of winning the whole competition - in the bottom two almost every week, but who would vote them off? Not me.

Please, please, please someone tell me we can make this happen. It would be must-watch TV at its most compelling - in the meantime can we please try and raise the profile of Modern Pentathlon between Olympics (and work out a way to get Chessboxing televised).